life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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