It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
