I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
