You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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