Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
