Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
