Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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