I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
