That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i drank out of a bidet.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
