in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize