I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
