Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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