He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
