we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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