Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
