If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
