I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
