I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
