You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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