dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
