My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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