This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
