if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
