I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Terrible idea I love it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
