I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i think i have two assholes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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