Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
