Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
