I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
