im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
