I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
