gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
