Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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