I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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