hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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