I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
