4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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