so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
