somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
