Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
