Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
