There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
