ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
