the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
