Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
