look no pants
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
