My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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