I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
