i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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