I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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