Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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