Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
