I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
