Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
