Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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