I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
