i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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