do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
