the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
